My way of joking is telling the
truth. That is the funniest joke in the world. --G. B. Shaw
Defined -
Everyone loves a lawyer joke, especially lawyers.
Enjoy!
The Yokes Folks-
An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his
options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible
donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy
athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a
middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in
his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after
practicing law for 30 years.”
“I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient.
After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had
chosen the donor he did.
“It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been
used.”
A woman who was diagnosed as being terminally ill was told she needed a
brain transplant using a 1-1/2 pound brain. She was also informed that a
1-1/2 pound brain of a surgeon would cost $500 and the 1-1/2 pound brain
of a movie star $600.
She replied that since her father had been a famous lawyer she would
prefer a lawyer brain. That’s fine, she was told, but that will cost you
$10,000.
“What?” she replied incredulously. “If a surgeon's brain only costs
$500, why does a lawyer’s brain cost $10,000?”
“Do you have any idea how many lawyers it takes to get 1-1/2 pounds of
brain?” the doctor replied.
Four out of five doctors say that if they were stranded on a deserted
island with no lawyers, they wouldn’t need any aspirin.
A lawyer with insomnia consulted her doctor. “Which side is it best to
lie on?” she asked. “The side that pays your fee,” replied the doctor.
A doctor was vacationing at the seashore with his family. Suddenly, he
spotted a fin sticking up in the water and fainted. “Darling, it was just
a shark,” said his wife when he came to. “You’ve got to stop imagining
that there are lawyers everywhere.”
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The
lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the
car and offered him a drink from his hip flask.
The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed
it and put it away.
“Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor.
“Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.
A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was
constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the
doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this, the exasperated
doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you
for legal advice when you’re out of the office?” “I give it to them,”
replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try.
The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the
bills. When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the
lawyer.
Having lawyers make laws is like having doctors make diseases.
Just as a young man was about to get a chest X-ray, the equipment
slipped and his pelvic region was X-rayed instead. “Oh, no!” cried the lab
technician. “Your reproductive organs just received a dose of radiation!”
“What does that mean?” asked the worried young man.
“It’s serious,” replied the technician. “All your children will be
lawyers.”
A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were waiting one morning on a
particularly slow group of golfers. "What's wrong with these guys?" fumed
the lawyer. "We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
"I don't know," said the doctor, "but I've never seen such
ineptitude!"
"Here comes the greenskeeper," said the priest. "Let's have a word with
him. Say, George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow.
aren't they?"
"Oh, yes," said George, "That's the group of blind firefighters. They
lost their sight while saving our club last year. We let them play here
anytime free of charge!"
Everyone was silent for a moment.
Then the priest said, "That's so sad, I think I'll say a prayer for
them tonight."
"And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there is
anything he can do for them," the doctor added.
"Why can't these guys play at night?" asked the lawyer.
If I had but one life to give for my country, it would be a lawyer’s.
If an apple a day keeps the doctor away, how many orchards does it take
for a lawyer?
How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine? Only one if you run
him through slowly!
First person: Do you know how to save five lawyers who are drowning?
Second person: No.
First person: Good!
* * *
Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.
* * *
You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You
have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? You shoot the lawyer.
Twice.
* * *
What do you have when you bury six lawyers up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
* * *
Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when
plumbers are working? Because they might connect the drain line to the
wrong suer.
* * *
What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane? Skeet.
* * *
One day, a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer all died and went
to heaven. St. Peter was there, having a bad day because heaven was
getting crowded. When they got to the gate, St. Peter informed them that
there would be a test to get into Heaven: They each had to answer a single
question.
To the teacher, he said, "What was the name of the ship that crashed
into an iceberg and sunk with all its passengers?"
The teacher thought for a second, and then replied: "That would have
been the Titanic, right?" St. Peter let him through the gate.
Next, St. Peter turned to the garbage man, and figuring that heaven
didn’t really need all the stink that this guy would bring in, decided to
make the question a little harder. "How many people died on the ship?"
The garbage man guessed 1228, to which St. Peter said, "That happens to
be right. Go ahead."
St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "What were their names?"
* * *
Did you hear that the Post Office had to recall its series of stamps
depicting famous lawyers? People were confused about which side to spit
on.
* * *
A group of headhunters sets up a small stand near a well-traveled road.
The bill of fare is as follows: Sautéed Tourist $10
Braised Reporter $12
Fried Diplomat $15
Barbecued Lawyer $110
A customer, noticing the great price differential, asked why lawyers
cost so much.
The headhunter replied, “if you had ever tried to clean one of those
devils, you would understand.”
* * *
Out of towner: Any criminal lawyers in this town? Local: Yes. But none
of them are in jail.
* * *
A man came across a striking brass rat in an antique store and decided
it would look great on his desk. He paid $100 for it but was surprised
when the proprietor insisted it was non-returnable. He said, “It’s been
returned twice already, and I don’t want to see it again.” Leaving the
store, the man saw a couple of rats scurrying around the corner; several
more were near his car. As he drove, rats appeared from the gutters and
side streets until he was nearly overwhelmed. In panic, he threw the brass
rat over a bridge railing into a river, and witnessed the army of live
rats follow into the depths.
The man hurried back to the store, but the owner cut him short, saying,
“Look, I told you there would be no returns.” The man quickly replied, “
Oh no, that’s fine. I was just wondering if you had a brass lawyer.”
* * *
What’s the difference between a lawyer and an onion? You cry when you
cut up an onion.
* * *
A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio Grande from time
to time and robbing banks in Texas. Finally, a reward was offered for his
capture, and an enterprising Texas Ranger decided to track him down. After
a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his favorite cantina, snuck up
behind him, put his trusty six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said,
"You're under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll blow your
brains out."
But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger didn't speak
Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer was in the saloon and translated
the Ranger's message. The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that
the loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the cantina.
"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.
The lawyer answered, "He said 'get lost, you turkey. You wouldn't dare
shoot me.'”
* * *
How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? Cut the rope.
* * *
A true story: A convicted con man was recently found to be
impersonating a lawyer in New York City. To which one judge remarked, "I
should have suspected he wasn't a lawyer. He was always so punctual and
polite."
* * *
What is the ideal weight of a lawyer? About three pounds, including the
urn.
* * *
Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California
got all the lawyers? New Jersey had first choice.
* * *
Why have scientists begun to use lawyers instead of lab rats for
research? Two reasons: first, they are more plentiful than rats, second,
the researchers don’t get as attached to them.
One problem, though, is that no one has been able to extrapolate the
test results to human beings.
Response:
C’mon Guys! That’s only half the joke about researchers, lab rats and
lawyers. There are four, well-known reasons why researchers prefer lawyers
to rats:
1. Lawyers are more plentiful. (You got this one.)
2. They are easier to train.
3. Researchers don’t get attached to them. (You got this one, too.)
4. There are some things a rat won’t do.
* * *
A man walking on the beach came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being
one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a genie
actually appeared.
"For releasing me from the bottle,
I will grant you three wishes," said
the genie.
"But there's a catch," the genie continued. "For each of your wishes,
every lawyer in the world will receive double what you asked for."
First, the man wished for a Ferrari. POOF! A Ferrari appeared in front
of him. "Now, every lawyer in the world has been given two Ferraris," said
the genie.
"What is your next wish?"
"I could really use a million dollars." replied the man, and POOF! One
million dollars appeared at his feet.
"Now, every lawyer in the world is two million dollars richer," the
genie reminded the man, and then asked him for his third wish.
The man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I’ve always wanted to
donate a kidney."
* * *
What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline? You take off
your shoes to jump on a trampoline!
* * *
If you laid all the lawyers in the world head to foot around the
Equator, then... Hey, come to think of it, that’s not a bad idea.
* * *
What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good
start.
* * *
When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep? Because
down deep, they are all nice guys.
* * *
In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the
worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that
said lawyers were always his favorite clients! When I asked him why he got
so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied, "I only
build coffins now."
* * *
A restaurant full of lawyers was held hostage. The bad guys threatened
that, until all their demands were met, they would release one lawyer
every hour.
* * *
Q. Why do they bury lawyers ten feet down instead of the traditional
six (feet)?
A. Because deep down they're not such bad guys.
* * *
What’s the difference between a lawyer and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
* * *
What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in
cement? Not enough cement.
* * *
Cindy asked an old friend to go out for a drink with her after work. “I
don’t understand,” Cindy complained. “When people find out I’m a lawyer,
they take an instant dislike to me. Why would they do that?”
Her friend appeared to think for a moment and then suggested, “Maybe it
just saves time.”
* * *
Changing lawyers is like moving to a different deck chair on the
Titantic.
* * *
Did you hear about the lawyer whose divorce ended up in a nasty custody
fight about a dog? When the lawyer won, the dog bit him.
* * *
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Depends on how thin you
slice them.
* * *
Two lawyers have a suicide pact; they will jump off the towers of the
Golden Gate Bridge in San Francisco at exactly the same time. Each has
nearly the same body type and their weights are identical. One is wearing
a brown suit; the other is wearing a blue suit.
Question: Who hits the bay first?
Answer: Who cares?!
* * *
A long New Orleans style funeral procession passes by, but instead of a
jazz band, it’s lead by a man walking a lion. Behind the coffin walk at
least 200 people. A bystander asks the man, “What’s going on?” “My lion
ate my lawyer and this is his funeral,” is the reply.
“Could I borrow your lion?” asks the bystander. “I’ve got a lawyer I’d
like to have eaten.”
“Sorry, but you’ll have to get at the end of that line,” said the man,
pointing to the 200 people following the coffin.
* * *
“Excuse me,” a young fellow said to an older librarian, “I’ve just
moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers.” “Well,”
replied the librarian, “I have lived here all my life and all I can tell
you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it
yet.”
* * *
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he saw
walking down the side of the road. Every time he saw a lawyer walking
along the
road, he swerved to hit him and there would be a loud "THUMP". Then he
would swerve back on the road.
One day, as the truck driver was driving along the road he saw a priest
hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck
over.
"Where are you going, Father?" The truck driver asked.
"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road", replied the priest.
"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck". The
happy
priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued
down
the road. Suddenly, the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the
road.
Instinctively he swerved to hit him. At the last moment he remembered
there
was a priest in the truck with him, so he swerved back to the road and
narrowly missed the lawyer.
Certain he should've missed the lawyer, the truck driver was very
surprised
and immediately uneasy when he heard a loud "THUMP". He felt really
guilty
about his actions and so turned to the priest and said, "I'm really
sorry
Father. I almost hit that lawyer". "That's okay", replied the priest.
"I got him with the door."
What’s the difference between a shame and a pity?
If a busload of lawyers goes over a cliff, and there are no survivors,
that’s known as a pity. If there were any empty seats, that’s a shame.
* * *
A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do
you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender.
"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my
'gator."
* * *
The lawyers were siblings -- dishonest cheaters, as crooked as could
be. They went to church only when circumstances required them to look
good, or when there was a chance a dollar could be made. When the less
evil one died, the surviving sibling promised the church a sizable
contribution if the eulogy for the deceased would describe the departed as
a saint.
The church needed money, and succeeded in acquiring the contribution
without compromising any of its virtue. The eulogy accurately described
the life and character of the deceased, identifying and listing the many
sins committed. In conclusion, the speaker pointed at the bereaved
surviving attorney, saying, "but compared to him, the departed was a
saint!"
* * *
Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, “lawyer” is always
the third thing they look up? Because the first thing a child looks up is
“dog.” The second is “snake.” And under snake, the encyclopedia says “See
Lawyer.”
* * *
Have you seen the current remake of the movie “Cape Fear”? It’s about a
deranged psychotic who is seeking revenge against a lawyer. The question
is, while watching the movie, whom do you root for?
* * *
How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus? Never enough.
* * *
“The first thing we do, let’s kill all the lawyers.” -- William
Shakespeare
* * *
How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? Shoot him before he hits the
water.
* * *
If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only
save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?
* * *
How do you know if a lawyer is well hung? You can't get you finger
between the rope and his neck.
* * *
The first lawyer questioning a panel of prospective jurors began right
off as an intimidating showman. When he came to his question, “Do any of
you here today dislike lawyers?” they stiffened and hesitated. Before the
pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
* * *
What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 40? Your Honor.
* * *
“All in all I'd rather have been a judge than a miner. And what's more,
being a miner, as soon as you are too old and tired and sick and stupid to
do the job properly, you have to go. Well, the very opposite applies with
judges.” -- Peter Cook
* * *
It seems that a lawyer had a little bit too much to drink and on his
way home rear-ended the car in front of him. The lawyer got out of his
car, walked over to the driver of the other car and said, “Boy, are you in
trouble. I’m a lawyer!” The driver looked out his window and said, “No,
you’re in trouble. I’m a judge.”
* * *
There was the time the judge was asked to contribute 10 bucks to a
lawyer’s funeral. “Here’s a hundred,” he said. “Bury 10 of ‘em.”
* * *
An attorney passed on and found himself in Heaven, but not at all happy
with his accommodations. He complained to St. Peter, who told him that his
only recourse was to appeal his assignment. The attorney immediately
advised that he intended to appeal, but was then told that he would be
waiting at least three years before his appeal could be heard. The
attorney protested that a three-year wait was unconscionable, but his
words fell on deaf ears. The lawyer was then approached by the devil, who
told him that he would be able to arrange an appeal to be heard in a few
days, if the attorney was willing to change venue to Hell. When the
attorney asked why appeals could be heard so much sooner in Hell, he was
told, “We have all of the judges.”
* * *
A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case
involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn’t
true. “I’m as sober as you are, your honor,” the man claimed.
The judge replied, “Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is
sentenced to 30 days.”
* * *
A judge enters the courtroom, strikes the gavel and says, “Before I
begin this trial, I have an announcement to make. The lawyer for the
defense has paid me $15,000 to swing the case his way. The lawyer for the
plaintiff has paid me $10,000 to swing the case her way. In order to make
this a fair trial, I am returning $5,000 to the defense.”
* * *
A woman was being questioned in a court trial involving slander.
“Please repeat the slanderous statements you heard, exactly as you heard
them,” instructed the lawyer. The witness hesitated. “But they are unfit
for any respectable person to hear,” she protested.
“Then,” said the attorney, “just whisper them to the judge.”
* * *
Two duck hunters ran into one another early one morning. One of them
noticed that the other's dog was just sitting there, with no interest in
retrieving any of the fowl his master downed.
The first hunter asked, "What's wrong with your dog? The last time I
saw you two he was one of the best bird dogs I'd ever seen!"
"Well," the other hunter replied, "His name's Lawyer. He used to run
all over creation, working hard and getting the job done. Then one day
someone made the mistake of calling him Judge, so now all he does is sit
on his ass and bark."
* * *
A persistent job-seeker once appeared before President Lincoln and
demanded an appointment to a judgeship. He was informed that there were no
vacancies. The next day, while walking along the river, he saw a drowned
man being pulled out, and recognized him as a federal judge. He ran back
to the White House and demanded the position. “Sorry,” said the President,
“but the lawyer who saw that judge fall in beat you here by a good five
minutes.”
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